You Got Mail

Sheraz is racking leaves in his yard and he sees his neighbor Rani coming out of her house and checking the mail box and then slamming it..

then rani comes out again, checks the mailbox and slams it again..third time she comes and does the same thing..

so sheraz finally asks her..rani whats wrong..why do u keep coming and checking for ur mail and slamming the mail box..

Rani says: my stupid computer keeps on saying 'u got mail' ... :P

Lawyer

Vakeel:
Tallaq karwanay k Rs.50,000/- lagain gay.

Husband:
Pagal ho kia? Qazi ne Rs. 101/- mai shaadi karwai thi.

Vakeel:
Dekh lia na sastay kaam ka nateeja..........

Heaven

Einstein, Piccaso and George W. Bush were standing at the heavens gate.

The gate keeper asked Einstein: "Who are you?"

Einstein replied: "I am Einstein"

The gate keeper aasked: "How can I be sure that you are the real Einstein?"

And Einstein brought a board and wrote down all of his formulae.

"You surely are Einstein! In you go!"

Next came Picasso.

"who are you?", he was asked.

I am Picasso", he replied.

"Just as Einstein proved it, you too prove it to me"

And so Picasso brought his canvas and painted soem beautiful portraits.

"You surely are Picasso! In you go!"

Next came Bush.

"Who are you?" He was asked.

"I am Bush jr." he replied.

"Just as Einstein and Picasso proved it, you too prove it to me."

And Bush replied: "Who the hell are Einstein and Picasso?!?!???!"

"You surely are George Bush! In you go!"

Kanjoos Baap

Beta aik aur icecream khao gaye? kanjoos baap nay apnay betay say poocha...

Beta: lekin abbu jaan aap nay aik icecream bhi nai dilaii ab tak :(

Baap: tum bhool rahay ho beta jab hum pichlay saal yahan aaye thay toh aik icecream nahi khai thi kia?

Kanjoos Mareez

Doctor (nurse say): Woh Kanjoos mareez ab kis baat per naraz ho raha hai?

Nurse: Is baat per kay dawai khatam honay say pehle hi woh thik hogaya.

Biwi

Ek dost nay doosray dost say kaha: Tumhein apni biwi kay saath kapray dhoney main sharam nahi aati?

Dosre dost nay kaha: Is main sharam ki kiya baat hai, jab woh meray saath rotiyaan paka sakti hai to kiya main us kay saath kaprey nahi dho sakta?

Chor

Ek chor ki biwi shohar say kehnay lagi: ghar ka rashan khatam hogaya hai jaldi se lekar ayein.

Chor (biwi se): Le aaonga aisee bhi kya jaldi hai zara dukanien to band hone do

MotorCycle

aik sikh raat k waqt motorcycle pay ja raha tha, achanak thanddi hawa chal pari toh bike roak kar apna coat ulta pahan lia aur button peechay ki taraf kar liye aur bike pay sawar ho gaya, sardi say bachnay ki is nai tarqeeb par bayhad khush tha k dhalaan par bike slip hoi aur woh dharaam say neechay aa gira-

kuch dair baad wahan bohat say log jama ho gaye, daikha k sardar sahab maray paray hein aur aik sikh un ki laash k pass khara hai.

us'say logon nay poocha... kia hua hai?

woh bola jab mein pohncha toh sardar jee karaah rahay thay, mein nay jhuk kar daikha toh pata chala k unki gardan mur gai hai mein nay zor laga kar jo gardan seedhi ki tab say nahi bolay.

Newspaper

Yeh tum akhbaar say kon si khabar kaat rahay ho? ik dost nay doosray dost say poocha.

us dost nay kaha: akhbar mein khabar chappi hai k aik aadmi nay apni biwi ko sirf is baat pay talaaq day di k woh us ki pockets ki talaashi lia karti thi...

woh toh sahi magar tum is khabar ka kia karo gaye? dost nay dobara sawal kia.

dost nay jawab dia: apni pocket mein rakhoon ga

Principal

Maa'n nay betay ko Uthatay howay kaha ... beTay jaldi say uTh jawo warnah school say dair hojayegi ...

BeTay nay jawab dia ... maa'n ab main school naheen jayounga ...

Maa'n nay hairat say kaha ... lekin aakhir kiyoun ...

BeTay nay jawab dia ... isliyeh k school main koi mujhay pasand naheen karta ... school k teacher mera mazaq oRatay hain ... bachchay mujh say nafrat kartay hain ... aisay main, mein school kab tak jata rahoun ... Maa'n nay kaha: lekin beTay tumhain school to jana hi paRega ... aakhir ko tum school k Principal ho. :P

Time

ek sahab nay train main sooey howay admi say time poocha tu us nay ek thappar martay howay kaha 1 baja hai.

toh woh sahab shukar ada kartay howay bolay k shukar hai main nay ek ganta pehlay nahi poocha werna 12 par jatay. :P

COINCIDENCE

Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE ?

one Student: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime.

Telegram

Tom : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?

David: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated.

Teacher

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Pupil: A teacher.

Aik Dost

Aik dost doosray dost say: pata hai meray aik dost nay karachi say dubai samandar kay rastay tair kar janay ka programm banaya.

dosra dost: to kia woh wahan pohanchnay main kamyaab ho gaya??

Pehla dost: nahi jab dubai ka sahil 1 mile door rah gaya to woh thak gaya aur wapas karachi aagaya.

Post Master

Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Canada in two days time?

Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.

Customer : I bet you, it won't.

Post Master : Why not?

Customer : It's addressed to Japan.

Choices

Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no.

Flag

Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper nay Flag Dikhaya.

Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.

Wish

The God asked a guy for his wish.

The guy goes: "I want to go to Hawaii but I am too scared of flying. Can you build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii?"

God said: "You know what it would take to build such a long bridge in the pacific? Concrete, steel, manpower, time etc.. this is such a huge job."

Guy goes: "Ok God. Dont worry about it. I want to understand women. How could i understand their psychology?"

God thought for a momoent and said: "Buddy: how many lanes you want on the Freeway?"

Microsoft Engineer

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it 'll work !?" :P

O.K.

Once a Surd was slapped by his friend. He asked him whether he slapped him seriously or just for fun.

His friend replied "I was serious". The Surd told "Then it's O.K. I don't like people making fun of me".

THE MIRROR

A sardar is traveling via train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom.
So he goes and opens the bathroom door, which happens to have a mirror in the front.
The sardar thinks there is another sardar bhaiwaal in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat. Five minutes later he goes again, only to find the same sardar bhaiwaal. An hour passes away, he's made 20 trips to the bathroom, only to find that the same person is still there.

So he finally gets ticked off, goes to the last compartment and tells the TC (Ticket Checker) what's been going on. The TC, who also happens to be a
sardar, feels bad for him and promises to throw the bum out. The TC walks down to the compartment with the troubled bathroom to get the resident bhaiwaal out.

Few minutes later the TC comes back and tell the sardar "I'm sorry, I can't do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member".

Santa Singh

Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall.

It read "Padne waala gadha."

Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,

"Likhney waala gadha."

Khushi ki Inteha

Man: My wife is missing

PostMaster: bhai yeh post office hai, Police station nahi. aap police station chh ja kar complaint kijiye.

Man: kiya karoon khushi kay maaray kuch samajh nahi aa raha tha so idhar hi chala aaya :P

9:00am - 1:00pm

Lady Doctor: tum roz subha clinic k bahir kharay ho kar Auraton (Ladies) ko kioun ghoortay rahtay ho?

Sardar jee: aap nay hi bahir likha hua hai k .... Auraton (Ladies) ko Daikhnay ka time 9:00am - 1:00pm.

Taj Mahal

Ik biwi apnay khawind(Mian) say poochti hai ...

Biwi says: aap mujh say kitna pyaar kartay hein?

Khawind(Mian) says: jitna Shah Jahan apni Biwi Mumtaz say karta tha

Biwi says: jhoot na kahein ... Shah jahan nay toh apni biwi k liye Taj Mahal banaya tha ... aap nay kia banaya aaj tak huh .... (naraazgi say)

Khawind(Mian) says: mein nay toh kab say Plot khareed rakha tum hi dair kar rahi ho. :P

Pupil (on phone)

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.

School Secretary: Who is this?

Pupil: This is my father speaking!

Businessman

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

Mom N Son

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'

Pneumonia

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

Freedom Fighters

There was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters.

They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"

That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave... "No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then we would become a State of USA and develop automatically."

All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.

The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"

Sardarji is in Delhi

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes".

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.

On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The Sardarji gives him the thousand rupees and says "I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

"Happy Journey"

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."

"If you! look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire."

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off." "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you."

"That's me your Captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses."

"This message will self-distruct in 5 seconds."

"Happy Journey"

True Story

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...

The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Clinton should say," I'm fine, and you? " Now you should say 'me too'.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is....When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?" instead of "How are you". Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I'm Hilary's husband, ha-ha....
" Then Mori replied "Me too, ha-ha.."

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

GYM

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM after he sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day.

So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg.

They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there.

And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door.

In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think. "God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time... So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens.

Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, "If I catch you, you're mine."

Advancement in Pakistan!"

President Musharraf went to the US & had a meeting with President Bush. Bush said, "I want to show you the advancement in technology in USA. Come with me."
Bush takes him in a deep forest and says. "Dig the ground."
Musharraf digs.
Bush says, "More, more, more..."
Musharraf has now reached a 100 feet.
Bush says, "So now, did you find anything?"
Musharraf , "I got a wire!"
Bush says, "You see, it shows that even 200 years ago we used to have telephones!"
Musharraf was very frustrated and he invited Bush to Pakistan.
In Pakistan Musharraf says, "Now I want to show you the advancement in Pakistan!"
He takes Bush to a forest and ask him to dig.
After some time Musharraf says, "More. .. more... more!"
Bush has now reached almost 400 feet.
Musharraf says, "Find anything?"
Bush tries but finds nothing, "Nothing here!"
Musharraf says, "You see even 400 years ago we had gone WIRELESS!"

Dinner Conversation

A Dinner Conversation That Went Wrong

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: Oh "Sh|t."

Do Khusray

Teesri Jins k do numaayenday (matlab khusray) ja rahay hotay kaheen k achanak un mein say ik khusra gir jata neechay....
Doosra wala us giray huye khusray say kahta .....
Bahan uth mard ban ....

HIV+

Kuri waley Munde nu: Tusi nonveg khandey ho?

Munda: Haan


Sharaab?

Haan


Drugs?

Haan


Jua?

Haan


Sab kuch negative hai, kuch positive ve hai?

Munda: Haanji, HIV+

Mental Hospital

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Door ki Nazar

Ik baap jo bohat kanjoos hota hai us ka beta us k pass aa k kahta hai...

Beta: abba jaan meri door ki nazar kamzor hai aap checkup karanay lay jao eye specialist k paas ta k nazar ka chashma waqt pay lag jaye...

Baap: Beta hein? achaa idhar aao meray saath... (Din ka waqt hota hai taiz dhoop mein lay ja k baap betay say kahta ooper aasmaan pay daikh k batao kia cheez chamak rahi?)

Beta: abba jaan suraj hai aur kia....

Baap: oye apnay baap ko ullu banata hai ... jo cheez karoron miles door woh tu daikh sakta aur kahta door ki nazar kamzor hai...

Local Call

In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries, Vajpyee and Musharraf decided to visit each others country regularly.

The first visit was by Musharraf to India. There Vajpyee showed him Indians modern telecommunication systems. It was so good that Musharraf made a call to Zia-ul-Haq in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes ! The bill for the call came to only Re.1.

When Musharraf came back, he also wanted Pakistans telecommunication systems to be at the best when Vajpyee visited Pakistan. Suitable arrangements were made. Vajpyee came to Pakistan, visited the telecom department and talked to Rajiuv Gandhi in hell for 5 minutes. But this time, the bill was Rs. 500!

Vajpyee asked with a sarcastic smile - "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in Pakistan ?"
A High level diplomat gave a smiling reply - "From India to hell, it is a local call, Sir, while from Pakistan it is long distance!

Get Married

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it

Engagement Ring

Sardarni asks her lover,"Santa dear, if we get engaged, will u give me a ring?

" "Sure" replies santa. "Whats ur phone no?"

Mummy

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

Father : No. Why do you ask that?

Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

Smart Brain

A Pakistani walks into a New York City bank and asks to see the loan-officer.
He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $25,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys of a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything is checked out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's under ground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $25,000 and the interest, which comes to 15.41. The loan officer says," We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow
25,000?".

The Pakistani replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks with additional security?"

Angel

John: You know my wife is an angel?

David: You are lucky because my wife is still alive.

"He died last week."

A guy phones up his Boss, but picks up the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm sorry he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz . . " he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it.

A DIPLOMATIC KISS!!!!

General Musharaf, Vajpayee, Aishwarya Rai & Margaret Thatcher, are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound smooooch <<...OLE_Obj...>> and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.
Both women and Gen Musharraf are sitting there looking perplexed.
Vajpayee is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Thatcher is thinking:

These Indians are all crazy after Aishwarya. Vajpayee must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

Aishwarya is thinking:

Vajpayee must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped.

Vajpayee is thinking:

Damn it, Musharraf must have tried to kiss Aishwarya, she must have thought it was me and slapped my face.

Musharraf is thinking:

If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Vajpayee again.!!!!!!!!

E-Mail

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally Typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband''s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow''s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I''ve Reached
Date: 2nd June 2004

I know you''re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.

I''ve just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

What do you want for your birthday?

Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?

Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.